Team Maniacs

Written by: Timo Saviaro

A special thanks to my dear friend Paul Oldham for translating this book into passable English.

Copyright © 2015 Timo Saviaro

All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof

may not be reproduced or used in any manner

whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher.

ISBN 978-952-7113-13-4

This text is watermarked! Illegal sharing can be traced!

https://www.tackle.fi

Table of Content

1. Doctor number 100

2. The social worker

3. The Career

4. Life is beautiful

5. What should I write about

6. Dear diary

7. Today it begins

8. Crazy day

9. Wednesday

10. Try to relax

11. It's just us against the world

12. What now

13. It never ends

14. Crazy love

15. Life was good until now

16. What to write about

17. Doctor's appointment

18. They know

19. It's not funny if it happens to you

20. Monday

21. Holiday

22. Tomi's day

23. Marko's day

24. Eini's day

25. Doctor please, tell me what's wrong

26. It's finally over

27. One long month

28. Special kind of quack

29. The book meeting

30. It was not so easy

31. The Team Maniacs adventures

32. Thailand

33. It had to be done

34. Never ending growling

35. Emergency meeting

36. The news

37. Home sweet home

38. Day one

39. Day two

40. The article

41. The settlement

42. The last lines

Epilogue

1. Doctor number 100

Turku, a city in Finland, and it's a typical day. People are rushing to their work places from opposite sides of the town. Everybody appears late and drive like maniacs, honking their horns in panic, with salty tears running down their cheeks because of the pressure of being two minutes late.

The poor people are the luckiest because they travel by bus and it is a little quicker, but while they are in the traffic they remain in great danger, because the bus driver is late in his work, not from his work.

With all this hurry and stress around there is one man who's not so busy, and that is Tomi Väsärinen 35 years old, who suffers from all kinds of ailments which are related to his mental health. He has so many symptoms that it is difficult to work out just what is really wrong with him. Sometimes he could be a little paranoid and sometimes just emotionally unstable, but there are also times when he might have a combination of these many different symptoms at the same time, and the doctors were unable to manage his problems.

Tomi had been in psychiatric care as an outpatient for many years and everybody knew something was seriously wrong with him but what? One day he could be scared of the government and looking for a place to hide, and the next day he might be just depressed and whining about everything. Tomi had never shown any reason why he should be locked up somewhere safe, but many nurses had already spoken of that option in the coffee room and maybe it should be at least considered in the future.

But Tomi himself was in general happy when people left him alone anyway, but no one ever saw Tomi at his apartment where he could manage his symptoms quite well. There he was just a run of the mill Finnish guy doing all the normal things people did to pass the time. Playing on his computer, drinking, gambling and having dreams about some sweet pussy.

Of course Tomi knew that he was not like everyone else, because on occasions when he tried to be sociable for example, just taking a nice cup of coffee with his friends, even these events could be like nightmares. Tomi's friends sometimes could see that he was not okay but they didn't know for sure what was wrong with him. Some of his friends also thought that Tomi was just an asshole trying to be a level above the rest of them, because he always spoke straight about things and it could make him look a bit arrogant. When he said for example that he really didn't want to spend his time sitting down the park with his friends, and drink beer 'ass on the grass', like some poor teenagers often did.

He usually wanted to head straight back to his apartment immediately after he had left it, because that was his safe zone and outside of it there was danger. Social situations were like a sport for him, and after the big tournament it was time to rest at least for a week, or maybe even a month.

Most of the time he felt like nobody understood him, and he was right, they sure didn't, still they all tried anyway. And now after years of suffering from the depression and anxiety it was almost impossible for him to go anywhere anymore, without people analyzing and trying to figure out what was wrong with him, including his family. They all tried to fix him somehow, and that just gave him more reasons to never want to leave his apartment.

Deep down in his heart Tomi knew he could get better if he was just able to get enough money from somewhere, because then he'd be able to move far away from these doctors and their analysing of his symptoms. He had grown to hate the doctors and was tired of explaining his life to them over and over again, because it always felt like he was just running around and around the same old circle.

Tomi was stuck, he couldn't go to work because he was sick and it meant that he had no money to do anything. And he didn't qualify to get a sickness pension award either, because the Insurance Companies didn't think that there was anything wrong with him. They had never even seen Tomi in real life, but still they had the power to make these decisions. Of course it was not so simple for them either, because Tomi had so many different doctors over the years, giving their different diagnoses, and his symptoms were not the same every time he went to see the doctor anyway. They were all stuck, and that of course suited the Insurance Companies just fine.

Although he himself did not really want the sickness pension anyway. Sure it would solve some of his problems, like he'd be able to go out from his apartment more often, and also to take that trip he longed for far away. Tomi also knew that it wouldn't be the final solution because still something would be missing.

For the last five years he had been just trying to think of another different occupation or way out of all this. If he couldn't go to work and get paid like all the other normal people did, and the sickness pension was just the same amount of money that he got now anyway, then he must figure out some other way to get out from this catch 22 situation. Tomi already knew all this back then, immediately after quitting his last job at the big supermarket, when the doctor said to him for the first time, that now it was time to take a long break Tomi.

He had thought long and hard about all the different kinds of careers he could possibly do. At one point he had thought that music was the way to go, but he was not brilliant at singing or playing the guitar, and then also these anxiety and panic attacks wouldn't help him either if he was on stage holding a microphone. During the past few years he had felt incredible despair, and now after five years he was still just trying to sort out what to do with his life.

Today was January 14th, 2014 and Tomi had a meeting again with some new doctor, and now he was getting ready to go.

"Keys, wallet and telephone. Wallet, keys and telephone. Telephone, keys and wallet. Telephone, wallet and fucking keys. Oh shit! Did I forget the coffeemaker?", Tomi said out loud on the way to the bus stop and turned around.

What the fuck do I care anyway? Oh yeah, I live in an apartment house though, it's not just about me and my house burning down, he thought as he walked back all the way towards his own apartment to check the coffeemaker.

Arriving at his flat again he saw that the coffeemaker was not switched on, but now he didn't have enough time to catch the bus anymore and was forced to take his car. He really didn't need a car in his life, but again this blue colored sedan saved the day.

According to car's radio, some politician had embezzled an amount of money from some charity and used that money for his own purposes. Tomi turned off the radio after a few seconds, he couldn't stand the TV or the radio. Though occasionally he liked listening to the music and sometimes while driving he tried to find a station and hear some good tunes. All it took however was just one annoying short commercial and that could spoil the whole day for him. It was not his fault, he was sick, and those few seconds were enough to drive Tomi almost mad. He hated the Finnish government and every person who ever voted for them. Of course though sometimes he just hated everybody without any reason at all, depending on the day and his symptoms.

When he was in his car Tomi felt more often than not quite good if he didn't turn on the radio, because this was his own space again. A cosy small safe zone if you will, just like the apartment. Nobody annoyed him in his car, though there were also days when he felt insecure about what all the other drivers might think of him and his driving skills. Sometimes he was also driving like crazy, honking his horn at the elderly people moving across the pedestrian crossing.

This time Tomi was driving fairly well, and also managed to arrive on time for his meeting. It was again the same small Health Care Center where he had been many times before, but again it was going to be a new doctor. He was tired of all these meetings because things didn't move forward at all, they just played the same old song over and over again.

The doctors tried to figure out what was wrong with Tomi, and Tomi tried to work out what was wrong with his doctors. The doctors wrote prescriptions for anxiety and depression, because they couldn't be sure what was really wrong with him, so it was always a safe bet to diagnose depression. Sometimes they said he really should apply for the sickness pension, but every time he did, the application came back like a boomerang and always with the same negative answer, no. After that happened then Tomi went back once more to see the doctor, and here we go again today.

Stopping the engine he placed a blue plastic parking disc on dashboard of his car, so that he wouldn't get a ticket again from some nice fat traffic warden, and walked into the old office building and began to climb the stairs to the fourth floor. Today was not an elevator day for him, and now he could hear someone walking on the stairs above him and started to climb them slowly so he wouldn't have to meet this person, or in the worst scenario say hello to him.

Finally he sat down outside the doctor's office and waited to be called for his meeting to begin. Everything was going great but then some other patient sat on the same bench where he was sitting, and now he started to sweat. He really would like to drink a glass of water like this other patient was doing, but he was too scared to move because then this other person maybe would look at him, talk to him, or laugh at him, if he was to make a mistake and spill his drink, or something like that. No, Tomi was just sitting still looking like an owl holding his breath and closely following every movement that this other patient made.

"Väsärinen!", the doctor said loudly from her door and he almost had a heart attack, but now he could fortunately also get away from this situation before he had a panic attack and started to yell. Tomi felt he had been waiting a whole hour on that bench, but in reality he had been sitting there for only three minutes.

"Hi! My name is Doctor Kumpulainen.", the doctor stretched out her hand.

"Hi!", Tomi said way too loud when they shook hands, because with this much anxiety going on he had trouble controlling his voice.

"I'm going to be your doctor from now on, because the last doctor that you saw doesn't work with us anymore.", she explained.

"Okay...", Tomi said almost without any tone in his voice.

"What?", The doctor asked.

"I said okay!", Tomi shouted and sounded angry, but it was not intentional.

"Okay then... and how are you today?"

"I'm okay, the same as before.", Tomi said now in his normal voice. He really didn't care anymore explaining what was wrong with him, or how he was, because everything would be more of the same again anyway. This was already the round number 100 in this game, where Tomi answered the questions and just waited until he could go back to his safe zone again. Playing out this routine with the doctors was for sure useless and a waste of everyone's time.

"Well let's see, your previous doctor gave you a prescription for depression and something for anxiety too, are they having any effect?", The doctor smiled and then read something from her computer's screen again.

"The pills work just fine, they are delicious.", Tomi said and the doctor darted a look back at him over her reading glasses.

Tomi understood that now he had said something stupid again, though he didn't really understand why he said things like this. Sometimes when he couldn't think of anything to say, he usually answered just like this with no actual meaning or thought behind any of his words, they just came out from his mouth.

"So they are helping you then?", she asked again trying to get a proper response.

"Well, no.", Tomi changed his answer.

"No? And you have been taking them for over two months already? You really should be feeling at least some improvement by now. But no changes, nothing new, everything is the same as before?"

"Yes, I feel just the same as I did five years ago.", Tomi answered.

"Okay... I see the Insurance Company has denied your application for sickness pension three times now. We have tried every kind of medication, and therapy, and...", she read the files again, while Tomi was looking at the walls to see what kind of works of art this one liked to keep in her office.

This particular doctor was a middle aged woman who wore no make up at all upon her face, but her nails were decorated perfectly with red shiny nail polish. Her breath smelled of coffee and Tomi thought this doctor also probably smoked cigarettes.

"Tomi?", The doctor said.

"What?", Tomi asked.

"I asked you, what do you think? What should we do next, because nothing seems to be working?"

"Look I don't know, you're the doctor.", Tomi stated and tried to concentrate.

"Well, tell me what do you do when you are at home? How do you normally spend your days?"

"When I wake up I usually drink some coffee, and then I'll try to think of something to do, and I also try to think where to get some money, because I can't go to work like normal people can. It's hard for me you know?", Tomi explained.

"I understand your difficulties Tomi. It's hard because they didn't give you the sickness pension, but...", she was about to explain.

"Fuck the sickness pension! It's the same amount of money as I get now, so problem solved? No!", Tomi yelled, because he felt so angry when people thought that this sickness pension was the main goal for him in this life. His life would be a bit easier of course if he were awarded that, but only because then these games with the doctors would finally end. But still there would be the same problem ahead that there was today, where to get some money if you couldn't work?

"Alright Tomi, I hear you.", she said calmly and changed the subject.

"Let's talk about some other treatments, I see you have already tried this ward-A5 here in Turku, but that ward wasn't designed or intended for you really.", The doctor was reading from the files.

"Don't you fucking even think about sending me back into anything like that A-5 ward anymore!", Tomi shouted and then realized that he was too angry again and apologized.

"I'm sorry, it's just that...", he was about to explain.

"It's okay, I understand what you mean.", The doctor said softly and she paused to think for a while.

"Well, what do you want from us then, Tomi? Because we'll have to think of some therapy for you, otherwise the insurance company is just going say that we haven't tried."

"I don't know, and I really don't care anymore, maybe it would be better for everyone if there were no Tomi anymore.", he said with a frustrated look on his face.

"Do you have suicidal thoughts like this often in your mind, she enquired as if finally now she was getting somewhere with this train of thought.

"Well, this morning I didn't feel this way, and at my home everything was okay. But in here, I'm going crazy because nothing ever happens and it all drags on the same way as before, and you must be doctor number 100 to whom I'm explaining these same feelings to over and over again, and then the next visit you are not even here anymore, it's someone else. So then I start again from the beginning with some other fucking quack, and still the days go by and my fucking hair falls out, while I'm waiting for your decisions or the Insurance Company's decisions, or some other fucking decision or papers. And now you finally ask me, what should we do? Well how the fuck should I know? For fuck's sake!", Tomi yelled.

"Okay calm down! It's okay Tomi, I know it can be frustrating sometimes, but these depressions can take time to treat and heal."

"Well, I think this depression is just one symptom, but what do I know? There must be something wrong with me, because I can't load up Pink Teddy bears into a cardboard box, for Eight hours a day in some fucking factory for a living. But in reality, I don't even feel there is anything wrong with me. Maybe that's because I'm fucking passive aggressive, narcissistic, antisocial and also paranoid. And because of course I'll have to be something. I can't just be a normal human being anymore for fucks sake, because no one can, it's impossible. Everyone has to have some label and vote for some fucking party. So now because I think in this way it tells you all about who the hell I am, and it's so important for you to know that, so you'll know just what exact medicine is meant for me, because I'm sick, fucking sick!", Tomi ranted. At the same time the doctor kept on writing hurriedly something into her little notebook Yes yes, write that down in your little notebook and analyze me you stupid fucking bitch! Did you find something really revealing and interesting in what I just said? Well really I didn't mean any of it, but by all means write down your conclusions while you're at it, Tomi thought, and felt like he was losing it.

"I think that we'll stick with the medication that you already have for the time being, then just keep on seeing your social worker. Then you will have to try and decide Tomi maybe something else that you could do in the future, rather than just waiting around in your apartment, right?", she said, after writing lengthy passages into her notebook.

"Whatever! Can I go now?", he asked.

"Sure, and it was pleasure to meet you, and I hope everything progresses well from now on.", she replied smiling.

They shook hands again and Tomi drove straight to the liquor store where he bought a large bottle of whiskey, and hoped he could score some grass too maybe from his friends. Nowadays Tomi didn't drink much at all, well for a Finnish guy anyway, and he didn't smoke so much weed either. But every time immediately after these appointments he just wanted to get wasted.

After this horrible day Tomi had to now wait for the next appointment to see his social worker, and he always kept a false hope in his mind, that something substantial would happen in the next meeting. He also always kept thinking what else could he do to get away from this nightmarish life, other than to go work in some factory where he would lose his mind again, or sell drugs and maybe lose his freedom too. It was a difficult situation but he was not planning to give in and just drink his life away, like so many people unfortunately did.

2. The social worker

There was really cold weather outside, it was January and this was normal for Finland at this time of the year. Tomi's cheap apartment was freezing because the windows were old and the cold breeze went through the floors all day long. Without the woolen socks Tomi's feet would be frozen. He was angry and thought why did he have to be sick here in Finland, when he could be sick somewhere warmer.

There was a meeting with the social worker every two or three weeks, and they just talked about how things were going, and was there anything that she could do to help Tomi. Today's meeting was in the afternoon, and Tomi was waiting to leave his computer.

Tomi had a sister, Liisa Väsärinen, who lived a couple of hundred kilometers from Turku, and they talked to each other via email almost every day. Liisa was an artist who mainly painted pictures of different landscapes and also dogs. She was living in poverty too, and tried to get money desperately by organizing exhibitions to view her paintings, where she could then maybe sell some of her works to all the rich people who could afford it. She was just like Tomi and she had her own symptoms as well, but they were not as bad as Tomi's symptoms were because she could hold a job at least for a while anyway, but Tomi went completely crazy in just one working day.

Liisa always tried to be a better person and explained to Tomi that working wasn't so bad, because he would meet so many new people and from different life situations. Like maybe there would be a guy 57 years old who had a couple of kids, and then maybe another co-worker who was younger than Tomi, 26 years old and without children. Many different kinds of people from many different places, and unlike Tomi's friends almost all in the same situation, talking the same old shit year after year. Liisa wasn't surprised when Tomi had said that he felt frustrated after talking with his friends, because there was nothing new to discuss, ever. But Tomi didn't have anything new to say either, so he didn't think that it was just his friends fault. Of course it was mainly Tomi's fault, because he was the crazy one.

Usually Tomi wanted to hang up the phone or sign out from the email account, when Liisa began to act like that again, because Tomi had been already working many years in different places and with different people too, and it was all bullshit anyway, in his opinion. Pure bullshit.

Tomi also felt strongly in his heart, that there had gotta be more in this life than just a job, and he'd only have to figure out how to find that something. He also knew that if he went to work like all the normal people did, then this was not the life that Tomi had in mind for himself or his sister.

Sometimes Tomi really struggled on the phone while he talked with Liisa, because he'd like to yell to her from the top of his lungs, shut the fuck up!

But because Tomi had always had these difficulties and different symptoms going on at the same time in his life, he usually let the people to do their talking without any interruptions, and then he just stored his rage for a rainy day.

Tomi thought it was very annoying that everyone was trying to fix him all the time, when many of those times he only wanted someone to just listen, and not to have some answers or ideas to solve all his problems at once with just one witty sentence. He felt it was impossible to have a normal conversation with anyone anymore, after the doctors found out about his depression, which had been there for all his life but no one ever saw it before Tomi finally snapped for real. Tomi just wanted to leave from this life, and then start a new completely different one somewhere warm too, where the grass is in the pipe and the girls are slutty.

The social worker listened to every word that Tomi said, because it was her job. She was not a shrink, but close. Now it was time to go and meet with her, and Tomi turned off the computer. He checked the stoves and the coffeemaker three times while touching also his pockets to know where his keys, cellphone and wallet were.

After walking around his apartment checking that different things were where they should be, he managed to hurtle out of the door, and then walked rapidly towards his car and tried not to think about the coffeemaker again.

It was cold and snowing, and again Tomi had forgot to warm up his car beforehand.

"Fuck this fucking life! Oh glorious Satan that I want to kill myself!", Tomi yelled and tried to get the snow away from the windshield, and didn't realize there were people smoking cigarettes in front of the parish building behind him. The Church community's house was located right next to Tomi's apartment building, and these nice and warm people were really helping Tomi at Christmas time, when he usually didn't have money to buy even food. Every Christmas they gave one big bag of groceries to all people in the neighborhood, who suffered from the poverty.

Tomi saw now these good people again but only after he was already driving past them, with a big wide smile on his face and waving happily from behind the wheel.

After he had completely lost his nerves again due to the car's radio, Tomi finally arrived at his meeting. He sat down and hoped that there wouldn't be any other patients coming to sit with him.

There were magazines lying around on waiting room's table and Tomi picked one up. It said 'Matti Nykänen is engaged'. Well that is a big fucking relief; now this world is back on its track again, Tomi thought when the social worker called his name. The social worker's name was Sanna.

"You can come in now.", Sanna said.

Sanna was 36 years old and not married. She had a boyfriend but nothing serious, because this big career of hers takes time to develop.

"Hello!", Tomi said, but just because he had to.

"How are things in your life at the moment?", Sanna smiled like a camel.

"Same old, same old. Nothing new.", Tomi said.

"I see you have a new Doctor.", Sanna stated.

"Again", Tomi said sarcastically.

"Yes... Again. Well, it is what it is. This isn't good for anyone and everybody knows that, but what can I say.", Sanna stated.

"The doctor said that now we should do something.", Tomi said, and leaned a little bit further forwards.

"Like what?", Sanna asked.

"I don't know? She said something about insurance companies wouldn't like it, if we don't do anything. I don't know.", Tomi tried to explain "Oh yeah? No suggestions then? Of course we'll have to do something! Didn't the doctor say what should we do then?", Sanna asked.

"No, she said that you and I should figure it out ourselves.", Tomi smiled for some reason.

"So it's our mission then?", Sanna asked.

"I guess so.", Tomi smiled even more.

Sanna read some papers which were written by Tomi's doctor about the last session with her.

"I see we already tried that ward-A5 thing, didn't we?", Sanna asked.

"Yes we did and no more of that, please. That was too crazy even for me.", Tomi said.

"Well, all of these other options are something like that, and if we are not doing anything, then we will be back right where we started again.", Sanna said, and then showed Tomi some of the options and different activities that he could participate in.

"Oh really? Knitting?", Tomi asked.

"Well what do you want Tomi? What do you want from us?", Sanna sounded almost as frustrated as Tomi did.

"I don't know! I've been thinking about this a lot, and I mean a lot, what can I do if I can't work regular hours without losing my will to live?", Tomi explained.

"It's not impossible, but it's going to be tough to find a career like that. One of my patient started to write music and now he is working at some music studio. The career he had worked out for himself was still real work and what he really wanted to do, without thinking of the salary. I think some career would help you too Tomi, but it seems that you don't want to do anything.", Sanna smiled a little, but she meant every word.

"A career is what I am missing! You said that! And I have thought about music a lot too, but I don't see that it's going to be my future.", Tomi said sadly.

"A career is important of course but maybe we should think more about that later. But what do we do now then?", Sanna asked.

Tomi was already in some other world and now all kinds of thoughts went through his brain while he was looking for an answer to what would be the best career for him. Of course he had been thinking this same thing for five years already, but now Tomi somehow felt like he was close to find the answer.

"Tomi?", Sanna said.

"What, what!?", Tomi shouted because he hated when someone interrupted his thoughts.

"Where were you?", Sanna smiled again.

"I was thinking about that career. I need to find it, now! Can I please go?", Tomi asked.

"Well okay, maybe we could say for now that you are going to think in two weeks time what you want to do, but in the mean time you'll have to say which one of these courses you are going to choose, okay?", Sanna was not smiling anymore.

"Okay, whatever, I choose one, go to see one, and then you know what happens next?", Tomi asked and put his jacket on.

"Yes... Then we meet again here in two weeks.", Sanna answered.

"Precisely!", Tomi said and left after the goodbyes.

Different ideas went through Tomi's mind while he was driving around Turku. This was like some manic episode when he just drove around without going anywhere. Then Tomi winced when he suddenly realized, that he had not been focused on his driving for at least a half hour, and didn't remember at all where he had been driving all for all this time. It's really a very scary moment and then it's time to hurry back to the safe zone again, and calm down.